Standing up to Perfectionism

“Perfectionism” is a relentless master and has many of us under its control maybe not all the time with all things however it does creep into our lives and wreck havoc at times. I would like to outline some of the secret weapons we have to control this. First I think we should get to know “Perfectionism” and what it can do if we let it.

“Perfectionism” is well versed in telling us again and again we are “not good enough” battering our self esteem and even in some cases debilitating us to the point of depression, stuckness, and immobility when we think we can never measure up to its high standards.

Who or what is Perfectionism anyway? It is us our own worst enemy and it is gathered from old scripts and tapes that no longer serve us; messages we have internalized from our parents (whether they meant to or not); the dominant societies “rules” and media images about being “good”, “nice”, successful, beautiful or handsome, intelligent etc. etc.; messages from our teachers, bosses and those who more often than not do not have our best interests in mind. Western society needs “perfectionism” to keep social control and to keep us working to fuel our economy. When we do not examine these messages and rules that we have internalized we unwittingly follow perfectionism’s dictatorial orders and become what others want. We inevitably lose our true self that is human and fallible.

There is a benefit for following “Perfectionism’s” orders, we do not have to think for ourselves, and because the bar is so high we can decide to never start at all. “I can never do that so why try?” Then we can beat ourselves up mercilessly for not having started and/or not meeting our ridiculous standards. Or we can keep driving ourselves to that unattainable goal and forfeit all other pleasures in life, relationships, family, and leisure time.

Unattainable standards in relationships keep us alone and mostly lonely because no one else can measure up to our standards. Perfectionism also keeps us hyper critical of others. It is a tool to keep us from being vulnerable, from risking, and trying new things, and above all it is our insurance against failure. If we never risk we can never fail!! Particularly because “Perfectionism” tells us we are worthless, stupid, and incapable of loving or being loved. We can never learn from our mistakes because we are too busy berating ourselves for them. This is what Perfectionism wants.

OK now that we have a handle on what this ferocious enemy of peace, inner well-being and compassion does and who or what it is, what are the secrets to standing up to it and keeping it from trying to destroy our lives? We can begin to honor our humanness and know that it is OK to make mistakes. We can acknowledge and learn from our mistakes. We can realize that some of the messages and programming that we carry around does not serve us anymore.

We can start to complete tasks at the “good enough” stage and recognize that we cannot do everything or finish everything to super high standards. Sometimes “good enough” is just fine. It is ironic that sometimes with this attitude we end up doing a near perfect job of it because we are not driven by “Perfection”. We can use our talents and skills in a less anxious manner and in the process become more creative and productive. Perfection stifles creativity because of its rigidity, its relentless pushing, and striving.

Standing up to Perfection does not mean giving up our standards all together. We need goals, to push ourselves, to grow, and to achieve but they must be realistic and attainable not some goal that a genius cannot even meet or that is not humanly possible.

Learning to love ourselves, faults and all, is a secret weapon we can use against “Perfectionism”. Treating ourselves with caring and compassion and in turn we can do this with others. Setting realistic goals as I have mentioned above is another weapon as is forgiveness of self and others for less than skillful actions and mistakes.

Becoming aware that we are products of our conditioning from our families, culture, and power brokers is another tool we can use. Discarding worn out views of ourselves, and others, and having a fresh took at our life works. Generally we minimize the things we have accomplished and focus on what we have failed at. It is time to celebrate our accomplishments and accept that we are fallible and human and we can then put “Perfectionism” in its place. It will no longer be our Master and then we can become directors of our own lives.

Copyright October 2010- written permission is required to reproduce any part of this article for purposes other than personal use.

For more information contact Denise Hall