Guilt: A Useful or Useless Emotion
We learn wisdom from failure
Much more than from success:
We often discover what will do
By finding out what will not do:
And probably he who never made a mistake
Never made a discovery

-Samuel Smiles

One may not Reach the dawn save by The path of the night

-Kahil Gibran

Guilt seems to be an emotion that we all seem to have. It can be a useful or useless emotion depending on how we use it. I will attempt to “deconstruct” guilt and locate ways that it can work for us not against us. Guilt is like any other emotion something to take notice of and learn from not give in to its oppression.

It seems that North American and British cultures are immersed in guilt. For example we hear about Catholic guilt and Jewish guilt. The “protestant work ethic” dictates that we will get nothing in life unless we work hard. We are surrounded by messages that instill guilt in most everything we do. There is parental guilt, survivor guilt, helper’s guilt, prosperity guilt, relationship guilt, adultery guilt, food guilt, and even pet guilt.

Guilt speaks to us about not being good enough, about being a failure (in our own eyes) because guilt becomes a way that we can beat up on ourselves. It can be used to manipulate, to accuse and blame. Guilt pushes us to make poor decisions, decisions that are not thought through. Guilty parents including overburdened single parents and absent fathers can assuage their guilt feelings by providing their children with material goods.

Adler (1956) considers guilt an aggressive behavior that serves to put distance between others and us. It is a way of withdrawing and retreating into self-flagellation and self-pity. Furthermore Adler sees guilt feelings and regrets as an excuse for not doing anything “it is not the guilt feelings, however, that bring about distance; rather the defective inclination and preparation of the whole personality find such feelings advantageous for preventing any advance”, “an excellent excuse for not cooperating” (p, 273). An example is an alcoholic who sits at the bar lamenting about how much he/she loves and misses his/her children.

Adler (1956) suggests that if guilt does not bring a change in behavior it is a useless feeling. This makes a lot of sense because focusing on feelings without allowing them to teach and motivate us usually makes us feel worse and can, in the end, debilitate and depress us. Eventually we want to escape from feeling bad and this is a recipe for being seduced into destructive behaviors. It can end up in a wholly oppressive situation and now Guilt now becomes our Master and we are the slaves to the feeling.

Culturally, organized and fundamentalist religion tends to keep its flock in check by instilling guilt for not following the tenets of the faith; for not being a good Christian, Muslim, or Jew. Parents control their children by instilling guilt for not behaving like they should, for causing grief or stress and for just being children. We see someone homeless on the street and feel guilty that we have a roof over our head and they don’t. Someone dies and we live we feel survivor guilt or someone gets fired and we keep our job, we feel guilty.

As long as we feel bad we are controlled by the guilt. Once we stand up to it and use it as a way to change our behavior we have won over it. When we make decisions that are based on sound thinking not fuelled by the emotion of Guilt; we have control not Guilt. What children need is our attention and love, structure and sound discipline and understanding not presents and giving in to their every wish. Otherwise we risk raising irresponsible and pampered children.

When we do things for our partners out of Guilt we are controlled by it not by our love and understanding. Worst of all when we beat ourselves up because we think we are ‘not good enough” or we have made a mistake we are giving in to Guilt and allowing ourselves to be controlled by it. Financial organizations use Guilt to get us to buy RRSP’s and make sure we pay our bills on time.

There are many societal purveyors of Guilt controlling us. Advertising is particularly adept at using Guilt to buy products. It is embedded in our consumer culture; our home is not clean enough, we don’t have the right clothes, the right look, bright and shiny teeth, we don’t give enough to charity, and we don’t own property or have spent our money on things others disagree with. All this instills Guilt and we really need to stand up to it and decide for ourselves what serves us and what doesn’t.

Many of us are helpers and helpers are besieged by Guilt because after all our whole purpose in life is to help others. If we aren’t able to make a difference we blame ourselves and it can even cause us to cross the boundaries and enable others rather than help them to become independent and responsible for their actions. If we do something for others that they can do for themselves out of Guilt we are controlled by it.

If we are feeling guilt feelings but not doing anything about it can lead to our blaming the very person we are trying to help or we can become stuck in our feelings and not see things clearly in terms of responsibility for change. We don’t help others very well if we are not clear about our feelings and run ragged by Guilt. In our relationships we are controlled by Guilt when we are afraid to tell people the truth because we are afraid that we will hurt them when in fact in most cases not telling them the truth is far more destructive. We are again controlled by our Guilt feelings.

Guilt is destructive and we allow it be so if we do not address it and learn from it. We will then honor others with our truth in a loving and supportive way. We can no longer stay stuck and mired in our Guilt feelings now we know what Guilt is and what it does. We now have the power in our hands to stand up to it. If we change our behavior and/or come to an understanding we now have the power over our lives and we are not letting Guilt or Regrets to govern what we do.

Eileen Caddy states it well “Regrets can hold you back and prevent the wonderful taking place in your lives”.

References

Ansbacher, H. & Ansbacher R., (eds.), (1956). The Individual Psychology of Alfred Adler, New York: Basic Books

Hayward, S., (1984). The Guide for The Advanced Soul, Boston: Little, Brown and Company.

For more information contact Denise Hall