We sometimes experience difficult feelings such as anger, fear, panic, or powerlessness as dangerous, unsettling, embarrassing, inconvenient, untrustworthy, and confusing. We often don’t understand our feelings or know what to do with them.

We may say to ourselves, “I hate feeling this way; I don’t have time for this; I shouldn’t feel this way; there’s really nothing wrong in my life; or, I should be over this by now.” We may try to cope with these feelings by distracting ourselves from what’s happening inside, through drinks, food, drugs, gambling, pornography, watching excessive TV, or staying unreasonably busy. All are attempts to tune out, numb, or disconnect from our feelings.

However, the way we relate to our feeling, and what we do with our feelings, can make them worse or better, leaving us feeling better or bitter. When we dismiss, suppress, or ignore our feelings, they turn into depression, anxiety, and stress.

The first step in working with difficult feelings is to let ourselves feel them and not be afraid of them. Since we can’t heal what we can’t feel, we must connect with and acknowledge what takes place inside ourselves. We must befriend our feelings, rather than push them away, judge them or hate them, and we must bring more understanding and tenderness to what we feel.

The example below demonstrates ways you can work more skillfully with your feelings and facilitate your healing:

Four-year-old Suzie is playing on a chair, pushing herself off the kitchen table with her feet. This is risky, as the chair may become stuck in the tile grooves, making her fall backwards. Mom warns her not to play like that but, like a normal four year old, Suzie doesn’t notice. Sure enough, her chair gets stuck in the groove and she goes flying back, hitting her head on the floor. Mom’s response to Suzie’s feelings will affect how Suzie chooses to deal with her own feelings later on. Mom can say, “I told you not to play like that. It’s your fault that you hurt yourself. That will teach you a lesson. Now stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about”, or she can hold Suzie, comfort her and say, “It’s ok, it’s over now. Tell me, are you crying because your head is hurting or because you are afraid? You don’t have to be afraid anymore. I’m here”. Mom’s behavior can teach Suzie different lessons. Her first reaction teaches Suzie that her feelings are weak and a nuisance. Mom’s second response shows Suzie that her feelings are ok, she is not wrong or bad for feeling the way she does, and someone will be there to comfort her when she is in pain. These lessons will in turn influence how Suzie deals with her own feelings as she is growing up, and will shape her interactions into adulthood.

Today, as adults, it’s now our job to attend to our own feelings in a way that will be supportive, caring and healing, in the same nurturing way that a parent might tend to their child’s feelings. We need to be the first to make our feelings matter, because others will treat us the way we treat ourselves.

When we are able to stay present with our feelings, we weaken the power they have over us. We disarm them by using the breath, staying aware and not running away from ourselves. Next time you feel a difficult emotion, notice where you feel the feeling in your body and gently place your hand there. Then, preferably with your mouth open, take 10 deep breaths and imagine that you are bringing the breath into the space where you hand is, as if you were filling that space with the breath. This practice helps to “flush” out the feelings and help you release them instead of being stuck or wallowing in them. Just hold that space the way mom held Suzie. Soon you will find that your difficult feelings subside, or there may be others that surface, that need to be released. Think of this practice as allowing your feelings to “come up” so they can “come out”.

For further information go to Claire's listing