While going through a divorce is very stressful and emotionally exhausted for a couple, it can also be as devastating for children. Divorce or separation can be an overwhelming and frustrating experience for adults to sort out many issues such finances, housing and custody of your children, etc. However, co-parenting during the process of separation or after a divorce can be as challenging to a lot or parents. What should parents know about co-parenting after divorce?

According to Statistics Canada, the number of divorces took place in BC between 1999 – 2003 are approximate 10,000 each year.  There are altogether 1,684,714 divorced persons living in our Province in 2007. Unfortunately, the statistics for 2003 – 2008 has not made available to the public yet but we could try to imagine perhaps the numbers may be about the same.

When people decided to get married, they didn’t plan to separate or divorce. They didn’t expect to get hurt or disappointed. While it is almost inevitable for some separated and divorced couples to feel angry, hurt, betrayed or disappointed; children also experience a wide range of mixed emotions. How parents handle the process of separation and their divorce will have an impact on their children’s transition and their views of themselves, relationships and the world.

Different children interpret and experience divorce in different ways, depending on their ages and their temperament. The following are some of the typical experiences and emotions some children may go through after or during separation / divorce:

Confusion
Whether they verbally express their confused feelings or not, some children struggle with the reality that their parents are no longer together. They may feel confused that their parents no longer live with them. They may not understand the reasons they have to live at 2 different households and move back and forth. They may wonder why their parents are constantly fighting, arguing or feeling sad. Children may have many questions regarding the separation /divorce as well as questions about changes of daily routine. Sometimes it can be even more confusing when one parent may have a new partner soon after separation.

Anger
While the reality of separation or divorce is beyond their control, children may feel angry that they cannot change their circumstances. Children can also feel helpless and frustrated, especially when they cannot “make” their parents back together. Some children may even be particularly angry at the fact that they need to move back and forth between 2 houses on a weekly basis. Even for adults, moving every week can be stressful and frustrating. Adapting to 2 different households and maybe 2 different styles of parenting can be very challenging and confusing for children.
Some children may express anger, frustration and resentment with their parents for destroying their sense of a normal family. Anger may be expressed by throwing tantrums or behaving inappropriately. These may be signs that your children need help coping with their feelings, especially if their tantrums become violent towards others.

Shame or Guilt
Some children may feel that they are responsible for their parents’ breakup. They may all of a sudden remember times when they behaved inappropriately, argued with their parents, or said someone bad to one of the parents, etc and may associate these incidents with their parents’ break up.

Anxiety & Fear
In their little innocent worlds, children don’t grow up expecting their parents to separate. It may be difficult for some of them to feel secure and certain if their parents would separate from their innocent perspective. For some children, they may wonder, “If even my parents can leave one another, will they also leave me or abandon me?” Children feel safer and secure when there is consistency and predictability. Setting up a few established rituals or routines or rituals will help diminishing uncertainty and anxiety about new living arrangements and transition. It will also help to ensure the continuity of their parents’ love regardless of the changes in their lives.

Sadness & Grief
Sadness about the family’s separation is very normal. Sometimes some children may feel more than sad and start to develop depression. Just like their parents, children can feel depressed and will need time to grieve over their losses – loss of a 2-parent family and many other losses (family fun time and outing, etc).

Sense of Abandonment & Rejection
Some children are very sensitive to their parents’ presence or absence, especially those with a more sensitive temperament. While children usually reside with one of the parents after separation or divorce, separation from the departed parent may trigger anxiety and feelings of abandonment. Some children may feel that they are not wanted or loved by the departed parent. It can also be normal for children to express longing for the departed parent.

Should you be concerned about your child’s emotions or behaviors. Please consider seeking help from your family doctor, a child psychologist, a child counsellor or a play therapist. Play Therapy  can be an effective therapeutic approach that is helpful for your child to deal with emotional or behavioral problems. Children behavioral consultation or filial therapy may also be helpful in some situations.

For further information contact Pablee